Mohamed Diomande, an Ivorian lad who first gazed upon the world back on the 30th of October, 2001, has strangely chosen to use his God-given skills to play at the midfielder position, and even more puzzlingly, for the Rangers. I've checked the height and weight, and at 6ft (approx. 1.83m) and about 11st 11lbs (somewhere near 75kg), there's no denying he's got the physical attributes of a footballer. 'Course he wears the number 10 jersey; likely deluding himself that he's the zenith of his mediocre team. Also, in case you had any clay to throw at the Ivory Coast national team, he has indeed touted his abilities there a few times.
In that grand year of 2020, Diomande hopped on a plane from the cozy Right to Dream Academy in the decidedly not Cozy Ghana First Division, and landed himself in the much chillier climate of FC Nordsjaelland in the Danish Superliga. His debut season saw him break into the first team a grand total of five times for league games. The subsequent year he turned up eleven times and even managed to fire the ball - presumably accidentally - into the net on three separate occasions. He continued this crack shot accuracy by repeating his score tally in the following season, albeit this time spread across 25 games. Apparently on a caffeine high for the 2022-2023 season, the lad decided to double his scoring effort and brought a fistful of five goals home, after a lovely 32 appearances. And then, it seems, he got tired, only bracing the pitch 13 times in the subsequent run, with no goals to spice up the tale.
Now, in January 2024, the horrific crime was committed on transfer deadline day. Diomande packed his bags and moved on loan to play with the cheery Rangers in the Premiership back here in good ol' Scotland. This decision was bad for everyone involved except, presumably, Diomande's bank account. He made his impression known to thousands of unimpressed fans by turning up 13 times on the pitch, scoring a meagre two goals. The nightmare continued into the 2024-2025 season, with the now veteran Ivorian appearing 36 times amidst the boos and jeers, whilst scoring four goals to further deepen the misery.
We can't forget about those halcyon days in July 2024 when the blight of Diomande was finally made permanent as the unsuspecting lad got transferred for a nice, round figure of £4.3m. Just to add insult to injury, he decided to occupy the pitch an additional 13 times, putting the ball in the net twice for his trouble. Of course, this pattern continued into the following season with another 36 on pitch capers, this time only blessing the audience with another four goals. And let's not miss out the current season - in what I can only assume is an attempt to drive us all to madness, the Ivorian has graced the pitch seven times.
Oh, and let's not forget his exploits beyond the league, because who doesn't love a good Cup run, eh? Diomande trotted out in the League Cup and Scottish Cup, too. Even found time to take a holiday back to the Ivory Coast for the World Cup Qualifiers Africa. And then decided to get involved in the Europa League â and also the Champions League Qualifiers. All madcap antics to delay the inevitable dirge of his mediocre performances, I warrant.
